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and i'll be just as quiet when i leave. - these words are my diary...screaming out loud
sometimes the road ahead is paved with anything but good intentions...
and i'll be just as quiet when i leave.

do you ever wonder how and why people fall in and out of love?
i think about it a lot.
how people can be so in love with one another and in a split second, it falls apart and they walk away as if nothing ever happened, nothing ever existed between them.
it's so interesting.
i had an entire conversation about men and such with johanna and meredith.
we talked about how men obviously respond to things differently, handle their emotions differently.
most cover them up easily.
i find it amazing how some can just recover so quickly by simply blocking it out and moving forward.
it's always the escape, the easy way out.

i am a person of passion.
i like to feel everything.
yes, it's scary...but when i feel things, i feel it with my whole heart, mind and body.
i like that about myself, and at the same time cannot stand.
because i am this way, it scares people.
especially men.
to be that involved.
that passionate.
that romantic.
that trusting?
i lie awake sometimes analyzing things i don't want to.
figuring out things.
figuring out myself and where i am going.
thinking about the power of karma.

music is a powerful tool, it always seems to blast me to a different place in my life.

or a place i want to be.

or wondering if the song i'm listening  toand the person i'm thinking about is listening the EXACT song i'm listening to and thinking about me also...or if they listen to the song and think about me too...

i always seem to do that.

it makes me happy to think that maybe someone is thinking about me too, to music.

i'm strangely optimistic right now.
and at the same time, sullen as always...
for me through it all, and unrealistically...
i always want to live in that romantic, fantasy state
that i was that girl.

and for me, even though it leaves me here....
it leaves me feeling as if it's still not the end FOR ME THOUGH.
my journey isn't over...
but for that person it is.

a piece of me will always love him...even though this is lots of anger  almost hatred there.
i know that part of me  will always love him with what i had...
even if he's already forgotton about me...or trying to forget about me.

we'll both be old and married with our own families someday and satisfied with our lives and sit back when we're 99 and smile to ourselves one day and think

"wow that really was something back then..."
"i think i did love them then..."

it's so dumb, but i love the idea of loving one person for the rest of your life.  or THINKING about someone for the rest of your life, looking back on your life and smiling.  i know i will find that person where EVERYTHING will click.  and not just some things here and there, because i feel as though if you are going to love somebody, you make it work.  you don't just TRY and make it work and just HOPE it works out in the end.  i want to be going the same damn direction as somebody and not backwards...or not be in the same stage in life. i need someone to be WITH  me.

haha but hey this is just who i am...living in my dazed, fantasy, over the top daydreaming world of hopes and dreams. 

but these are my thoughts...
and i won't be ashamed.



santa baby