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these words are my diary...screaming out loud
sometimes the road ahead is paved with anything but good intentions...
i feel litterly sick to my stomach right now.
i'm tired of people bringing up the subject of him.
maybe thats what i get for being friends with his friends still...
i'm sick to my stomach..because he's telling untrue things about me...about us to people.
it makes me want to vomit...or find him and punch him in the face...
why can't he shut his face and just move on....
blaming me for shit i didn't do is retarded....and making up things is even worse.
if he just wants to turn around and lie to people about him being engaged...mmm k fine...
but dont get pissed at me...because you're the FUCKFACE.

if i saw him again....i really dont know what i'd do....
i just want to prove that i am RIGHT!!
1 kiss under the mistletoe or santa baby

i really hope that wasn't just come creepy ass guy making a clucking noise outside of my room.
because that would be fucking creepy.
i swear....the jock boys and girls of this hall the the halls nearby are another SPECIES!

i dont feel very good..
and i have lots to do.
i'm so tired.
the smiths "asleep" is on repeat in my head.
it's one of the most depressing songs...but yet one of the best.

i listened to some jack johnson last night...and it sparked memories from freshman year.
freshman year seems like a million years ago.

i feel like i've somewhat changed.


i like the fact that i am more outgoing...and party a lot more.

i dont like the nights where i feel so damn alone.
i just want somebody to snuggle up to...while watching a movie.
it's not even like i want a relationship....
eventually i would like to again....but after getting my heart fucking trampled on....it's not looking so hot.
or at least i dont need a serious relationship anytime soon...
i'm just fucked up.

what the hell is new.
i just need a naive individual that doesn't care about anything as much as i do right now...

1 kiss under the mistletoe or santa baby

ohmy gosh.....stop being a little bischhhh.

boys are funny.

it's fun being in control...


santa baby

 I know I would apologize if I could see your eyes
’Cause when you showed me myself I became someone else
But I was caught in between all you wish for and all you need
I picture you fast asleep
A nightmare comes
You can’t keep awake

i hear this line.....and i dont think about myself....i think about you, and how i hope you feel.


santa baby
 life is confusing...

oh man.  
at first i was cool with it....
but then i realize...i dont really want to be that girl...

i dont really know what i am....
1 kiss under the mistletoe or santa baby
i miss the idea of him... 

some days it's hard to not think of him for even a split second...and then i start blocking it right out again.

i did really love you, you know.

not that he would ever read that or anything.  

it's funny how quickly life can change, when you feel on top of the world.

i feel like God is up there pointing and laughing at me.

i wish someone could Eternal Sunshine my ass. 

maybe then i'd feel better.


i hope you are both happy when you get married in November.

and to him..i hope you are happy getting married to someone you don't even love.
because thats the best thing for your son...a broken family.


meet me in Montawk....
santa baby
i really hope that sick fuck rots in hell and he's happily married to THAT BITCH!!!!


i want to puke.
santa baby
so i have decided...

i'm not going anywhere.

i'm fighting.

maybe i'm just a stupid girl.

and i am going to vacation, so i can clear my head.

but this isn't right.

i know it isn't....

it's what my god damn heart is telling me.

if i seem stupid, oh well i guess.
because i have learned what is worth fighting for and what isn't.

and this is something worth fighting for and keeping...

i guess i'll see how i feel when i'm back from vacation, and hopefully we will talk....
santa baby
life fucking blows right now.

i just don't even care about anything anymore.....
santa baby

studying too much?  who the hell says that?

who's the one trying to get into grad school in chicago?

fuck you!

im not smart, i have to study 5 times more then most people!

Feeling: aggravated aggravated

1 kiss under the mistletoe or santa baby
i love you with all that i have.

 i am such a lazy ass, i've been watching so many movies lately.

i watched donnie darko like twice the other day.  well i watched the first half and then watched the entire thing over again later.  i had never seen it before.  and i pretty much loved it to death. and i guess its supposed to be on TV AGAIN tommorrow (well today) and i probably will watch it lmao.  i watched the Science of Sleep with fee two nights ago and I watched What Dreams May Come (and made me bawl BTW...) with my parents.

i'm a deadbeat.
and i'm broke.
not only am i deadbeat that is broke.
but i am a deadbeat that is broke, and her boyfriends birthday is on Thursday.

lets say it together:



p.s.  and i have a bad case of imsomnia while my poor dog is in urgent care being treated and monitored for 24 hours, and all i can think of is "please be alright...please be alright..." over and over, and hoping that fucking phone doesn't ring with bad news.  they called us when we get home, and said that avery had a seizure.  i thought my mom was going to have an anerism.  she was upset.  she wants to blame herself, she can't.  we didn't know what the hell was wrong with him, and neither did the vet.  it's really upsetting to us because Petey our dog that we had to put down when i was in 7th grade and i grew up with....had seizures and whatnot before we had to put him asleep.  the thought of having to lose another dog right now in this point of my life..i can't even and don't even want to think about.  i have such a bad feeling in my stomach that won't go away.  i feel like if I go to sleep, i'll wake up and he'll be gone...

i swear i am getting chills right now. i just want my dog to be alright.  this has been a shitty two months, please don't take avery from me. please please please please pleaseeeeeeeeeee.

i wish i had somebody to talk to.  i wish i had the answers.  i wish my dog would just be alright and they could just FIX HIM!!!!!!  i'm angry now.  i just want them to TAKE CARE OF HIM!  the fucking vet at the Urgent Care place we had to take him to, was all joking around and calling him fat.  i thought i was going to punch that lady in the face.  i'm not joking.  that was rude and uncalled for.  she was all like "i have a boston terrier too..and i can fit mine inside of yours..HAR HAR HAR."  you should have seen the look of death on my face at that moment.  i walked out of the room at that point.  losing pets is probably one of the shittest things ever.  there is something about a sick/dying pet, or a pet that you have lost...that almost seems worse then losing a human.  i'm overexaggerating...because both are equally HORRIBLE...but do does anybody know what i mean?  a pet is there for you no matter what...they stare up at you with there little eyes...they are there to comfort you when you are crying..and it's like they just know, they just know when you are hurting and they want to fix things.  they want to make it all better by licking your face or just being there for you to pet. they always seem to have this way of making you feel better. losing a pet is like losing your closest friend...and i can't take that. not right now.  i don't want my poor avery to suffer anymore believe me.  i saw what petey went through.  i just dont' want avery to be in pain, but i want him to be alive. i want these people to figure out a way to make him better.  just a little longer. hold on buddy. please. your family loves you....

Feeling: awake awake

1 kiss under the mistletoe or santa baby
fee introduced me to the best movie tonight.


that made my night.

thank you fee.

there is seriously nothing like a good movie to cheer you up.

Stéphanie: Everything will turn out the way you want, if you stop doubting that I love you. 

Stéphanie: Why me?
Stephane: Because everyone else is boring. And because you are different

Stephane: I like your boobs. They're very friendly and unpretentious.

(sounds like something somebody would say to me! HA.)

Stephane: Will you marry me when you are seventy? You'd have nothing to lose

Stephane: It's like touching your penis with your left hand.
Stéphanie: I don't have a penis.
Stephane: But you have a left hand. 

Stéphanie: I have big hands.
Stephane: That means you have a large penis.
Stephane: [embarrassed] ... That was inappropriate...

and now i am in the mood to watch PUNCH DRUNK LOVE.  actually i have been in the mood to watch that movie for a while, but i haven't been home in like two months and i obviously left the movie here...

so i think i am going to go and watch that now....


Feeling: contemplative contemplative
Music To My Ears: snow patrol

1 kiss under the mistletoe or santa baby
i hate the male species.

and yes, ALL OF YOU!

1 kiss under the mistletoe or santa baby

even something as simple as a phone call is too hard for you isn't it?

and you wonder why i am irritated all the fucking time.




oh yeah...happy 10 months.

santa baby

Claire Colburn: You're always trying to break up with me, and we're not even together.
Drew Baylor: We're not?
Clarire: of course not...we're the substitute people remember?"

santa baby